I woke up this morning in tears!
My lung cancer has caused my left lung to partially fill with fluid which is making me cough more frequently and is increasing my shortness of breath. I logically know that neither symptom is life-threatening at this time; but a “procedure” is required to drain the fluid. And that, illogically, has put me in a tizzy.
The procedure itself logically, is not considered medically complex, but illogically it feels awfully complex to me! It is done in the out-patient clinic with a local anesthetic to numb the skin, and a long needle inserted into the lung to drain the fluid. Ugh!
More to the point, this has me in a tizzy mostly because it is an in-my-face reminder that I am living with a terminal illness. Not that I ever forget that!
Having fully recovered from a seriously life-threatening reaction to a highly toxic chemo treatment, I’ve been bopping along with my life doing meaningful volunteer work with colleagues and resuming my ballroom and ballet classes. So this “medical detour,” as a friend has labeled it, feels like a clear reminder that my condition is progressing.
It reminds me up front and center of the feelings of fear and grief that are there but, I’m grateful, are generally subdued by my full and satisfying life.
Asking for Help
The tears this morning were brought on by the conflict of wishing to spare either of my daughters the burden of rearranging their lives to accompany me to the hospital… and my illogical fear of going it alone.
So what to do?
I emailed my daughters early this morning to share my dilemma with them. And difficult as it is for me to ask them for help, I did so anyway. And I offered them an alternative if neither one can make it, which is for me to have a home health aide here for company instead.
Tears dried! Problem solved!
PEARL OF WISDOM
Inside feelings have their own logic which is often quite different from the external logic of reasons and explanations. Pay great attention to feelings. They tell you there is a problem to be solved. Use them to motivate change.
© 2017 Joan Blumenfeld
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